Your Horrific Holiday Soundtrack

christopher lee heavy metal christmas

The holiday season is upon us.  I failed utterly in my plan to watch a bunch of Christmas-themed horror movies, thanks to the miasma of despair that took hold of pretty much every artist in the U.S. after the election.  I am really sorry about that, blog readers, so to make it up you, let’s see what Youtube has to offer us to get everyone into the season.

Did you know that a) Christopher Lee, vampire-wizard legend of genre film, was in a heavy metal band right up until his death?  He was in his 90’s and rocking out.  They put out two Christmas albums, and they’re fantastic.  Seriously, listen to how incredibly bad ass Christopher Lee was:

If that doesn’t get you in the mood to drink ale until you’re dancing naked in the cold and celebrating the prophesied birth of the new Sun God and maybe eat a goat slaughtered ritualistically then roasted in a pit in the ground with some rocks, I don’t know what will.

Let’s try some Iron Maiden instead:

Are you feeling it yet?  Are you feeling the Holiday Spirit coming down to Earth to ride you like a demon seeking blood and vengeance and maybe wants to get laid with a consenting adult?  It’s cold outside, y’all.  It is going to freeze in Central Texas this weekend, so I know the rest of the Northern Hemisphere is not doing okay.

I just found out about the ridiculous 2007 compilation album Monster Ballads Xmas, which is still available on iTunes!  Here’s the whole thing on Youtube, but you know, buy it if you can.  It’s so silly.

Okay, I think we’ve set the mood now.  So let’s talk about the real reason for the season, overwhelming fear of the dark frozen vacuum of space from which the dread lord Cthulhu came.  And hoping someone saves us.

I am a huge fan of the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society and all the weird shit they put out there.  But what I will always, always love most is their incredibly disturbing Christmas albums.  They have rewritten a few dozen classic carols as interpretations of the Cthulhu Mythos.  Admittedly, some of them are just kind of funny and weird, but there are a few that send chills up my spine every year when I listen to them.  They’re very well done, with great production value and a full choir.

Here are my favorites:

 

And of course:

 

And now a message about the holidays and getting through winters literal and figurative:

The world is a genuinely scary place right now.  We probably are all going to die, if we curl in balls of despair and stay there, lying on the floor.  Learn your neighbors’ names.  Put some time and energy into finding something in common with them.  If you aren’t good at initiating things, but you see someone trying to get organizing started in your community, ask that person what you can do to help.  You don’t have to the first, but if you’re willing to be one of the dominoes in the chain, things can change.

Give your old coats and canned goods to homeless people.  Or people who are cold and hungry because all their money is going to rent.  And if you’re someone who needs help, ask for it.  I promise you, 30 minutes on Google can find you something.  I have been homeless, I have been hungry, I have been cold.  There is someone who can help you.

Happy holidays.

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Jenn Burroughs

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